Tsubasa Meet Parody, Shake Hands
by Apelles
Summary: Humorless and stupid, though the lines 'Sakura, you saucy little minx' and 'Thank god for shippers' are in there. Today, I am an idiot.
1. The Boring Begining

Author's note: Honestly, there is no excuse for this. This is what you call "crap". And not only is it this, it is "stupid crap". And do I care? Heck no! Every author should write something really IQ dropping and crude. It keeps us from becoming bloated and hotheaded pricks. Besides, I've had a cold all week and lost about 10 pounds. This is as much hard thinking as I can _do_ for another day or so. 

Story: Who cares? It's pointless and I had fun. That's all that matters to_ me_. Report or flame me if you must.

* * *

Our heroes descend on a horrid land of smelly waste and vile humans. 

Fai: oh, my, what a horrible place! I should make a joke about this!

Kurogane: how is it that we never seem to carry any bags with us what-so-ever, yet every time we arrive in a new world, we have our old clothes? Does anyone else seem a little worried by this?

Syao: No, my mind is completely on my mission. Can't think of anything else, nope!

Sakura: I'm sleepy.

In a matter of seconds, our heroes dress themselves in very stylish and tailored overcoats, jackets, petty-coats, trousers, without the help of money!

Kurogane: Again, where are our old clothes?

Sakura, of course, looks by far the best in this new worlds outfit, yet Syaoran does not notice how sexy she is.

Syao: Mission, mission, mission. Where's that feather?

Sakura: I'm sleepy.

At this point, Fai and Kurogane break off from the two abnormally non-horny teenagers to discuss what many dub as, "Deep Thought". This normally consists of Kurogane figuring out something incredible vital to Fai that every single reader has already known for pages, and only further enhances the KF shippers in their belief that these two could make it in the dreaded "END".

Fai: Lalala, I have magic, lalalala.

Kurogane: I hate you. I love you. You're annoying. You are conning. (wow, big word there). Grr, I hate you.

Fai: Oh, stop teasing the fangirls! You're gonna spawn another ten fanfics if you continue doing this.

They return to the group, at which point Syoaran has asked Mokona if there is a feather around. Mokona sits on top of Syaroan's head, or on his shoulder, in plain sight, yet, miraculously, no one classifies him as insane for talking to a weird bunny thing.

Syao: Mission, mission, mission.

Mokona: Wee! I'm an annoying plot device! Some unnamed author(s) want(s) to hurt me! Wee!

Sakura: I'm still sleepy.

Mokona then points the way to the feather, the ONLY thing on Syaoran's mind, even with sexy Sakura standing very close next to him.

Syao: Mission, mission, mission. Oh, wait, memory time!

A bottle cap triggers an intricate and detailed memory to drive the S+S shipper crazy, yet in all, it is a waste of pages. Syaoran remembers Sakura in the most honorable fashion; her kindness, her generosity, her innocence, her humor. Even as Sakura practically throws herself on top of him screaming, "I LOVE YOU. TAKE ME", he stupidly thinks, "She can't love me,"

Syao: Thank god for the shippers or else I would never get some.

Sakura: Yup, still sleepy.

As they walk along a long, dark, and totally creepy alleyway, without bothering to arm themselves or look behind to check if there's monsters, the gang continues to search for the feather.

Suddenly, big creatures pop out of nowhere!

Syao: Oh no!

Kurogane: FINALLY!

Fai: Does anyone ever notice me standing here very nonchalant about all of this? I figured it out already, but I won't bother to explain it to anyone else. No, no, of course not. The "Very Large Recap" is for chapter three.

Sakura: Though I'm half asleep, I cling to Syaoran in a questionable manner that raises eyebrows. Of course, this is all in the necessity of protection, I assure you.

(Sakura, you saucy little minx!)

NEXT CHAPTER: THE ULTRA COOL FIGHT SCENE


	2. The Ultra Cool Fight Scene

Author's note: My health has improved, and I was amazed no one reported me for this story. We'll see if the second installment of this 'crap' story will still keep me out of trouble. Thank you to the reviewers who surprise me more than I can say.

* * *

THE ULTRA COOL FIGHT SCENE! 

The creepy looking creatures surround our heroes. Is there ANY hope?

Fai: nah.

Kurogane: SHUT UP!

Syao: Mission, mission, mission.

Sakura: Suddenly, I feel very tired. I want a nap.

Kurogane takes the initiative and whips out his sweet sword seemingly out of nowhere and begins hacking away at the monsters. Syaoran's puny little sword also magically appears from under his clothes, even though his clothes are tailored and form fitting, and slashes at a few things, but the creatures laugh at him.

Creatures: Hahaha!

Syao: Curses. Why is it that I get such a skinny sword? You would think me being the MAIN character would automatically qualify me for a bigger sword.

Fai: Woa with the _'sword'_ word there. The fan girls are getting a little too giddy.

Syao: Huh?

Fai: Oh, darn it. They began screaming. See what you've done? Now we're gonna have _those_ stories.

As Syaoran decides to turn on a helpless fly buzzing around annoying him, Kurogane continues to happily beat the crap out of the creatures with neat-o spinning moves. Sakura grabs a pillow.

Kurogane: Man, I am too cool for this story. Strap me up in leather and give me a hog or something. Think Cowboy Bebop or Inuyasha needs another character?

Sakura: Yawn. _Boring!_ Oh, oops, I'm supposed to actually care for these guys. Why don't I again?

Syao, (still trying to hit the fly): Out of the way! I'm on a mission! Where's that feather!

Sakura: Oh, right, I remember. They're all idiots.

Fai: This coming from the girl who still acts like she is ten?

Sakura: Totally not my fault. If Clamp would give me an actual butt and boob size, then we'll see. Till then, as long as I have the body of a ten year old, I might as well soak it up and go with it.

Kurogane strikes and the tip of the sword pieces the tip into the last creatures arm, disappointingly not killing him and saddening the readers.

Kurogane (in an annoyed tone): Does Inyusha have to hold back? _No!_ Does Spike? _NO!_ Naruto? _NOT EVEN THAT IDIOT HAS TO!_

The creatures now run away in terror. Kurogane and Syaoran emerge from the battle with their tailor clothes perfectly intact. Not one single tear or rip, perplexing the laws of common sense.

Fan girls: _WHY? WHY?_ Does Clamp _like_ torturing us? Can't they ever get into a fight where their clothes fall off, revealing their wonderfully toned and muscular chests?

Kurogane: OH SHUT UP!

Fai: Girls, girls, this is, after all, a teen manga. That's what fanfiction is for. Big difference.

Syaoran walks away from the fight looking really cool. He glides over to Sexy Sakura and...grabs Mokona from her.

Syao: Where's the feather?

He then starts off with Mokona pointing the way, forgetting the others are behind him. Sakura, Fai, and Kurogane just stare dumbfounded after him.

The gang continues down the creepy alleyway to an even creepier castle, hidden in the back.

Kurogane: Laws of science don't apply in anime or manga, so just accept that a castle is in the back of an alleyway.

Fan girls/fan guys (awestruck): Oooooo...castle.

Kurogane busts down the humongous door, which collapses and reveals...THE VILLAIN!

Villain (making a V with his fingers): Boo.


	3. The Very Large Recap

Chapter 3. The Very Large Recap--And the Final Chapter in the 'crap' story. Enjoy. 

We return to our brave heroes standing in a very creepy castle hidden in the back of an alley with a humongous door knocked down staring at the villain who is making a V with his fingers.

Sakura: gosh, here we are in the very thick of tension and danger. What is perhaps the least helpful thing I can do right about now? Oh, wait, I know!-snore...

Sakura falls asleep, falling backwards and with amazing precision right into Syaoran's arms, who obviously takes control of the situation.

Syao (drops her): Mission, mission, mission.

Villain, Kurogane, and Fai all stare at the stupefied Syaoran as he searches for the feather.

Villain: Wow.

Fai:...yeah. I've got nothing to say to that.

Kurogane: Come on, let's gets this over with. I need another Ultra Cool Fight Scene.

Fai (flipping through a manga): Ooo, sorry, but your quota has been filled up for this world. See? Clamp basically gives you one good fight scene per new episode.

Kurogane: What! Kyo in Samurai Deeper Kyo doesn't have a quota! Neither does that monkey-ass Goku in DragonballZ! Or that loser Yusuke in Yu Yu Hakusho! Why the hell do I have a quota?

Fai: Face it, pokey, this series is about the non-horny teens. We're secondary characters.

Kurogane: Call me '_pokey_' again and we'll find out just how far your head can go up your a--

Villain: YO! LOSERS! I have the feather! Quit bickering and let's get on with this. I need to catch Desperate Housewives on TiVo.

Syao (sees feather and transforms from a single minded teen to a _double_ minded teen): Mission, mission, FEATHER!

Villain: Wait, before we get into this, I must reveal my part in the past few pages which all but one of you were completely and utterly oblivious to.

Fai: psst...guess who knew.

The villain launches into a sweet explanation of what exactly he did to get our heroes to this exact spot. Close ups of all the characters reveal their incredibly complex thoughts as they are listening to the VERY LARGE RECAP of the last episode.

Kurogane (thinking): ...totally cooler than Goku...and his no-good son...

Syao (thinking): mission…mission…mission..

Fai (thinking): spam…Kuro-pu…covered in spam…

Readers (thinking): Wow, I never guessed! So the creatures really were sent by the villain? Who knew?

Fai (feigning innocence): cough, cough.

The Villain continues blabbing and wasting the S+S shippers' precious S+S time, and the K+F shippers the K+F time. (This is the few times when all the shippers are united in a single cause: Hurry up to the romance and shirtless-ness, Clamp!)

But suddenly something strange is happening to our favorite non-horny boy.

Syao: suddenly I'm feeling strange...

In seconds, our happy-go-lucky-non-horny boy changes his whole manner into the other Syaoran many have dubbed as "Evil Syaoran".

Evil Syao: Ha-ha. I rule. Watch me as I command the body of this puny wimp.

Evil Syaoran knocks out the villain in the middle of his explanation (the readers cheer), and grabs the feather doing a complete aerial spinning move, while looking awesomely cool. Evil Syaoran than goes away, leaving normal Syaoran alone.

Syao: You know, I just had some dude take over my whole body and yet I decide not to tell anyone. Why do I get the weird foreboding feeling that this is seriously gonna backfire on me sometime in the future at an extremely critical point later in the story? Hm, I wonder...

Syaoran returns the feather to Sakura, who wakes up and looks around. She and Syaoran lock eyes, and Fai and Kurogane mysteriously disappear for the convenience of the author.

Sakura: My gosh, now that my feather haves been returned to me and I won't be sleepy for a full five minutes, you are looking extremely handsome to me right now.

Syao: My gosh, now that my mind is not completely preoccupied with getting your stupid feathers, I can see that you are wearing an extremely revealing outfit and looking extremely sexy.

Sakura: Wanna make out?

Syao: Sure do. But we have to keep up the tension, right? Or else there'd be no story.

Sakura: Damn.

Syao: Let's make out in the fanfics.

Sakura: Okay!

At that lovely note, the last scene ends and a cute preview for the next episode unjustfully teases the readers.

* * *

Fai (sitting around at the after party): You know, this author really sucks at getting out chapters on time. 

Kurogane (sipping from a tropical smoothie with a little umbrella in it): You're right. What an idiot. Whoever's writing this probably has some stupid lame excuse, too. "Oh, I had exams all week, I'm tired, I'm a loser with no social life," blah, blah, blah.

Apelles: Hey! ... (Mutters)...I did have tests...

Kurogane: humph. Weakling.

Apelles: Watch it, or I'll have you two smack lips.

Fai (eyes widen): Really?

Kurogane (sword posed and ready): Ah, HELL NO!

Apelles: Oh hush up. "Pokey"

Kurogane: Why, I'll--

Fai: Um, question, Apelles. Why are you dragging this out so long? I thought the story just ended. That's why we're having the _"after party_".

Apelles: Excellent question, Fai! You see, the reason for this after party is not only for fishing for reviews and laughs, but also to bring to attention the fact that I just finished my first multi chapter story! Whoot! Go Apelles!

Kurogane: This? This lame parody is your first multi chapter story? Gods, you are pathetic!

Fai: That is a bit sad, dear...

Apelles: Oh, shove it. I knew you two would not appreciate this. Anyways, this has been an actually pretty successful parody, with a full 23 reviews by the time I write this. Of, course; I can not take all the credit. Several ideas came straight from my forum, where people contributed to the topic, _"Er...More Booty?"_. The humor is mainly due to them, and I thank them dearly for providing me with some of the more memorable phrases I patched together. All mistakes and stupid parts came complete from me, and I take credit for that.

Kurogane: Yeah, whatever. Get on with your other, more important stories already.

Apelles: I'm getting to that. Thanks to the kind reviews, who surprised me by not reporting me to the FFnet fuzz and actually liking what I wrote. And finally, yes, my other "more important" stories have not been put on hold, and I am working right now on the two major stories. Hopefully more chapters will be coming as soon as possible. Cheers

Kurogane: Yo, give me a BMW motorcycle in one of your next oneshots. And stop using the kid. We all know he's an idiot.

Apelles: Bye!


End file.
